Friday, May 21, 2010

Physically abused by my father who now wants a relationship with me. What do I do

Physically abused by my father who now wants a relationship with me. What do I do?
I swore I would never write about this on-line, but the conflicting criticism and advice I'm receiving from my family is making my life chaotic, to say the least. My father was very abusive to me during my childhood. My twin brother endured some of it, which he's blocked out because that minimal amount was too much for him to take (not making light of his situation, here), but I took the brunt of it. Probably because I was too much like my mother: I saw through his bullshit, he couldn't manipulate me, and he couldn't control me (as in force me to do things his way). That's just the short list. I do admit I was a defiant, spunky kid--but, then again, I had Bi-Polar, diagnosed when I was 10. When I was diagnosed, the medical world was just starting to realize that yes, children can have Bi-Polar too. Here's the twist--it's genetic. My father has it--undiagnosed by a physician, neither is he on meds for it--and his mother, my grandmother has it. I digress. Let me give you a few examples of what he's done, though: 1) When I was about fourteen, we were in Chicago, IL visiting his family. It was Easter, and we'd just got done with brunch. I rode with him and my brother home. Unfortunately, I was sitting shot-gun. We had the most trivial yes/no disagreement and the next thing I knew he'd slammed on the brakes. We stopped 20 feet from the intersection, on a side-street. He turned to me and told me to get out of the car. I asked "Why? What'd I do this time, DAD?" His reply was, "You're a bitch, get the hell out of the car." So, after arguing about it for a couple of minutes (I had no idea where we were--I'm not from Chicago), I finally shouted, "Fine, I'll get out of your damn car." As soon as I had left the vehicle, and was about to shut the door, he started screaming insanely, trying to get me to get back into the vehicle, demanding to know "What the hell [I] was doing?" I told him, "You TOLD me to get out of the car. I complied. Now what do you want from me?" He yelled, "I never said that, you idiot! Get in the car." So I did--or tried to. I had one foot in the car, halfway lifted myself off the ground, and my hand on the door, when he took off. Yeah, his foot hit the gas pedal. Time seemed to stop. For the slightest of seconds, I was able to wrench my foot (which had been caught under the seat) free. I slammed into the ground as he took off, blowing the stop sign and cutting off traffic. I didn't have time to think, I didn't have time to decide--I just reacted. I shoved off the pavement and ran after the car for all my worth, running down the sidewalk, jumping up and down to see over the parked cars, trying to see where he was going so I'd have some kind of direction to find my way. After 7 immense city blocks, I finally began to recognize my surroundings. It occurred to me later that I should have gone to a house and asked for a phone to call the police, but the fight or flight instinct was too strong, and I knew if I wanted to get home, I’d have to do it myself. Later, I found out that I’d chipped a bone in my foot from a metal bar that had trapped my foot beneath the seat. Adrenaline had masked the pain. 2) When I was younger, maybe 11, possibly 10, my father took me to a second hand store, St. Vincent de Pauls—not because he didn’t have the money (of which he has hundreds of thousands, yet lives like a hermit) but because he was too cheap to go to Walmart, or any other store. We went down an aisle for pants, and he picked out the ugliest pants with the most uncomfortable texture and told me I was going to wear them. “No,” I simply said. “What do you MEAN, no?” he snapped. “I don’t like the color or the feel of them. I won’t wear them—why waste money on them?” I replied simply, not registering the danger immediately. Then he looked at me with extreme hatred, picked me up, and threw me across the 5 foot aisle. I slammed into the opposing rack that contained a few pairs of shoes, then fell 2 feet to the ground. By the time I got home, ran to my mother’s house, I had an inch and a half thick bruises separated 7 inches apart running the full length of my back. She had a family physician take photographs, but because it didn’t happen in our county, it took forever to prosecute him. 3) On November 23rd, 2008, my much beloved uncle—his brother—had passed away after enduring a year and a half of Mesothelioma, a deadly lung disease. He was cremated and his ashes were to be spread equally in the Rocky Mountains where he skied every winter, and the Caribbean where he went on vacation with his wife—now widow. I found out from my brother, a week before it was to happen, that he was going with my father and a few others to the Rockies to ski and spread his ashes. I had talked to that sorry excuse of a man several times in the last two weeks and he never said a word about it. If Mr. Chatt Uh, apparently it cut off the rest of my story. Didn't know it could do that. Oh, well. Can anybody read the whole thing? To my last sentence where I ask for advice? Oh, and by the way, I'm 21 now, turn 22 in June. So I no longer really have to see him, but he really wants that control over me, so right now he's being nice, but I know the monster will come out again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to post the rest of it--or try to. I think people need to see the rest of what I talked about. To jadegreenkaty: Why is it that unbelievable? You think it's from a book--go to a search engine and type in a line, or several lines. You won't find a damn thing. It's not from a book--or anything other than my journal. Until you live my life, then you can say it's a bunch of bullshit. I'll tell you this--what I posted is just the TIP of the iceberg of shit I've endured in my life. I know a dozen people who would've gone to the medicine cabinet, and emptied the three medications I take, and swallow the 500 pills until there's none left. I know that because I tried it once. Didn't work out, though. Guess I wasn't lucky enough to kick it.
Family - 11 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
2 :
call the police or summin honestly he's a horrible person
3 :
im very sorry you are going through somethin like this. i think maybe you should talk to someone and try to do your own thing such as move out. i think being on your own is the best thing for you right now and definetly seeing a therapist. again im very sorry
4 :
Some people do not deserve to be forgiven. However, this was a long time ago. I think there has to be a balance. Other than these times, was he a good father? Did he love you? If not, forget it. If yes, then maybe you are being overdramatic about 2 incidents (not that I am excusing them in any way because your father sounds abusive)
5 :
To be completely honest with you I wouldn't be in a relationship with him. Unless you've seen some BIG change in him, he does not deserve your time. Dads can be very persuasive trust me I know, but you have to be able to discern truth from false. Sounds like you went through some traumatic stuff...I'm sorry about that
6 :
ok..this decision is yours. if it is too painful to have anything to do with him then keep separate. decide what you want. if you think good will come out of this then make your peace. this is your life. you can chose who is in it. if YOUR life is not improved with him in it then keep him away. no ones advice will help..everyone related to this situation has their own agenda, as do you. but it is your life that is important. but eother way you must try to stop carrying the grief he caused you around on your back. it seems to me that currently you do. i have seen this happen before and you should be careful
7 :
Its totally up to you. If you don't want it, its fine. If you do try to reestablish something with him, you need to do it on your own terms. You can tell him about the incidents you've described here and ask for an apology. You can tell him he has to be on medication. Basically, you can do it all on your terms to where you are in the driver's seat. If he won't accede to what you want of him, then why bother. I've met people like that. They are full of remorse until they've gotten back into your good graces long enough to mess you over again. Personally, I wouldn't trust the guy any too quickly.
8 :
sounds like a great story! should be a best seller, in the fiction section. I'm sorry to say, I don't believe a word of it. In fact, Im pretty sure this is already from a book.
9 :
I have had the same thing happen to me - almost identical to your situation. If you want to private message me, you are welcome to. The thing that mafe it tricky for me was that I have a younger bro and sis. They arent that much younger than I am, but we didnt all get to grow up together either. In my teenage years I had a friend whose father basically became my "dad". My sis and bro never had this, so when us three kids were reunited with our peice of crap (I mean, ahem... father), they wanted to convince me to have a relationship with him too. All of my family did. Even dispite the fact that most of them knew he molested me too. Talk about a mind-job. Ultimately, it came down to this: at first I had brief, bullcrap conversations with him for the first couple of years. I kept it to around the holidays, etc. Basically only to appease my family. When I started to resent even that, instead of arguing with my own family about everything, I wrote him a letter. A LONG letter. He called me almost right away, freaking out and screaming - with no memory (or completely different ones) of everything that had ever happened. I felt like if I could prove to him the sky was blue he would insist and BELIEVE that it was purple. I came to the conclusion that some people are simply so ill that this is who they are. They can be toxic if you allow them to affect you. But since you already know how he is, hun - he can't hurt you anymore. It hard as hell to grow up wanting a dad so bad and wishing he were different and trying to imagine your life otherwise - but it's also a futile wish. You are meant to be the person you are, just as he is meant to be who he is. It is sad that he has to live with the mind he has. I think it would be like torture. You should be glad you do not have such a curse. You are blessed with forethought and vision and will get it figured out someday. You are not a kid any longer. If you feel like picking up the phone when he calls, do so. And if you feel like hanging up on his ass, you have the power to do that too. You have the power to walk away, to let him in when you wish it and to shut him out when it suits you. He has no more power. Just keep that in mind and you will be fine. Take him one dose at a time and deal with him thusly. Good luck <3
10 :
Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not ALIVE
11 :
Well since he has a bipolar disorder you have to give him a little credit but no one should ever treat anybody like that. So I'd say if it feels right, stay in contact but beware of his behavioral habits. Maybe get advice from friends and family as well.

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